Before it all happens

This will be my online journal. I will be writing my everyday experiences and feelings everyday, even when I am at home or at work. I started writing this frustrations and thoughts of my on the 16^th of November 2019 and I have been thinking of ways to kill myself, but I do not have the guts to pursue my desire to end my life. Since when I was young and learnt the ABCs in my life at home and school, I had this feeling that I do not belong to this world. A feeling that there is no reason for me to be here. A feeling of burden. I am Jacky, I was born in the Philippine on 26^th of January 1982 and now I live in Australia. I have a twin brother, a big brother and a sister. They all have families and I am the only one who does not have any kid or a so-called wife. I will tell you the reason somewhere in this story of my life.

I have always remembered since when I was child that I always question and asked God why I was born. What is the reason for me to be brought into this world? Those questions had been answered according to the way the society would like it to happen. The reason to grow, finish school, work, have family and make everyone happy until you have achieved your purpose in this world. But I felt like I am different, I had been hurting myself secretly just to inflict any pain to myself. I was already emotionally unstable since when I was a child. No one would know, no one could have cared and that was what I had felt. As I grow older and had been exposed to the reality of the world, the more thoughts of ending my life had been playing in my mind. But there is always something that hindered me from doing what I should have done. A fear of pain, a fear of prolonged pain before I loss of consciousness. That was the one that was only stopping me from doing it. I did try to end myself and it was only an attempt. I was less than an inch closed to my heart, when a sharp knife had almost touched my left chest. But I was scared and think about the shame it would bring to my family. But, how did all this feeling of not belonging to the world started.

The answer is, I have no idea. I just felt that I had this empty heart and always incomplete, unsatisfied. I tried everything to hide this emptiness in my life. I did academically excel at school. Looked so happy all the time and down to earth. I have shown less disrespect to people and every living organism in this world. However, this emptiness of mine can be compared to a termite that is slowly destroying me inside.

My family loves me, and I can attest for that. They had given me all the support that I need. They had encouraged me to achieve the greatest goal in one’s life, that is to finish college and be successful in life. I had those commitment at educational institution, but in my life, I never had any commitment. I am impulsive and indecisive in some decisions that that I make in my life. I think quickly and find a solution for a problem quickly. There is no waiting for me in my life. But when I met someone through an online chat called MIRc back in May 2004 in the Philippines, my commitment in life has changed. But I was the one who were so impulsive to be in a relationship although we had not met. That was how eager I am to get what I want. At first, the guy does not want me, maybe I am too pushy for him. We went out for a date and after that everything went well. It was 14^th of November 2014 that our relationship had begun. He was my everything, my world, I forgot about myself. All I can feel was happiness, like never ending. A world that had no hatred and emptiness. My parents never knew that I am in a relationship with him, as I am a guy too. I had introduced him to my parents as my friend. He had been my shoulder to cry on, until now I can see his face how well he had supported me especially when the time my father passed away in 2007. I can fully see him as I am writing this story. I can see him, sitting on a pew, wearing his white nursing uniform because he just came from a night shift. I really appreciated that moment, I felt safe and secure with him. Until now, we are still together, but I have changed, he has not changed. I need to change, as I do not have worth in this world. I started cheated on him even before our relationship became stronger, and before we had commitment to each other. I was randomly dating anyone back in 2004. These cheating issues has been going on until now, he knew that I was and am cheating on him. He had forgiven me but has not forget. Sometimes, we will be just looking at each other when we hear cheating issues and I will be smiled back into him. He understood my imperfections out of his never-ending concern to me. However, there is no more love and I can feel it. We are just together because of companion as he is in his mid 40s and I am in my late 30s. I have not seen that spark, there is a feeling of concern, but not as intense as it was before. I cheated on him multiple times and I know that he was fully aware of those instances that I lied to him. I am thinking that If he had saved enough money for himself and his family, he could have already left me for good. Maybe for now he just needed me for our security, both financially and socially. But honestly, I cannot imagine a day without him, as he is already part of me. I told him once that I felt sad most of the time and I want to kill myself, he hugged me. I missed those days, but not anymore. He does not even know how sad I am behind of my happy faces and cute smile. I smile so perfectly, that you might have think that I am the luckiest person in this world and the nicest person in this world. But that is a lie, I do not feel happy and If I do, it will be for a very split minute. Right now, I am thinking of ways on how to kill myself. There are no reasons for me to live, I just live to work and spend money. I am nothing, I am a cheater, I am nobody, I am no one. I will keep writing this story of my life until you find that I am not writing anymore. It could be that I have successfully killed myself or the nature itself has taken my life and I died from a disease, from a natural disaster or vanished.

It was around 0200 of 17^th of November 2019, when my long-time partner whom I cheated a day after our anniversary sneaked out of our rented unit. I quietly followed him after 5 minutes thinking that he might be in our garage and meeting someone. But her was not there. I have a feeling that he met someone as his revenge to what I have done before, which I fully understood. I tried to go back to sleep but I can’t, and then I remembered that nowadays you can easily locate people using their phone or account. I had multiple attempts of locating him, but I was so unsuccessful not until after 30 minutes that I managed to figure out on how to track him using my google account. To my surprise, I did track him, close to the place where I met the other guy two days ago. I am not sure if it was a coincidence that he has gone to that place and met someone. I tracked him and he knew that I did tracked him since google find will send a notification to his phone. Then I have decided to go to our room and sleep in our room instead of sleeping in our lounge room. While I was fixing myself in our bed, I saw him coming in after almost an hour from the place where he came from. No signs of remorse, no regret on his face. I just ignored him, as this can be the only way for him to feel that he had given me back a sweet revenge. However, from that time on, I felt that this 15-year relationship will be ending so soon.

I woke up around 1300 on that same day, hugged him and wanting to talk about having an open relationship. But he ignored me and instead he posted his feelings in his Facebook account. He is like that; he loves expressing his emotions and thoughts in social media. I was thinking to like it, but then I have realised that I am an adult person, and I do not need to feed into this type of drama. I want our drama to be private and if we are living apart, I want it to be civil and with minor heartaches.  I am not thinking of killing myself today. I just do not feel anything today. I do not have any emotions to show. My mum is talking to me as I a typing right now, but I did not response back. I just want to be alone. If I am still young, I want to go somewhere away from humans and to be just with nature.

I went to our room, I hugged him and I have asked him to talk. He was not listening, if he was, he was not paying attention. I do not blame him for that as he hated me so much that all the loved that we had and memories had been erased from him. I tried to settle our financial status, I told him that I cannot pay for the car alone and that he would give me another two years and we can live in the same unit but separate room. He told me that he already booked for an inspection and he told me that I can afford to pay for our car loan. I stopped, I have nothing to say. I felt so embarrassed talking to him. I went back to our lounge room where my mum was watching a movie in his Netflix account. He sent me a message arranging everything and how he was thankful for the 15 years of us together. I sent him back a message and apologised for wasting the entire 15 years with me, where he could have found someone better than me and treated him well. After that I did not received any messaged, it stopped there. I went to our room again and sat on our bed and hugged him. I asked him if he really wanted to end our relationship and without any hesitation he said yes in a very low voice. I have nothing to say. I hugged him hard that it would be my last hug for him. I know once we separate our pathways this will never happen again. But it was my fault and I blame myself for this. This is the time that I have realised he was the one who had stopped me from thinking of killing myself for 15 years. But now, it is back and it is haunting me. 

Just now as of 2210 of 17^th November, I was staring on my hand and looking at my pulse. I already know how to cut my hand without any pain. I saw a pair of scissors hanging close to the mirror in our bathroom, but I did not touch it. I have decided to sit on the ground and turned on the shower and let the water run on the ground. My tears were touching on my cheek and I told myself that before I kill myself, I need to fix my family’s life. I gave myself 2 years and 2 months to prepare, by that time I have settled everything.