Before it all happens

This will be my online journal. I will be writing my everyday experiences and feelings everyday, even when I am at home or at work. I started writing this frustrations and thoughts of my on the 16^th of November 2019 and I have been thinking of ways to kill myself, but I do not have the guts to pursue my desire to end my life. Since when I was young and learnt the ABCs in my life at home and school, I had this feeling that I do not belong to this world. A feeling that there is no reason for me to be here. A feeling of burden. I am Jacky, I was born in the Philippine on 26^th of January 1982 and now I live in Australia. I have a twin brother, a big brother and a sister. They all have families and I am the only one who does not have any kid or a so-called wife. I will tell you the reason somewhere in this story of my life.

I have always remembered since when I was child that I always question and asked God why I was born. What is the reason for me to be brought into this world? Those questions had been answered according to the way the society would like it to happen. The reason to grow, finish school, work, have family and make everyone happy until you have achieved your purpose in this world. But I felt like I am different, I had been hurting myself secretly just to inflict any pain to myself. I was already emotionally unstable since when I was a child. No one would know, no one could have cared and that was what I had felt. As I grow older and had been exposed to the reality of the world, the more thoughts of ending my life had been playing in my mind. But there is always something that hindered me from doing what I should have done. A fear of pain, a fear of prolonged pain before I loss of consciousness. That was the one that was only stopping me from doing it. I did try to end myself and it was only an attempt. I was less than an inch closed to my heart, when a sharp knife had almost touched my left chest. But I was scared and think about the shame it would bring to my family. But, how did all this feeling of not belonging to the world started.

The answer is, I have no idea. I just felt that I had this empty heart and always incomplete, unsatisfied. I tried everything to hide this emptiness in my life. I did academically excel at school. Looked so happy all the time and down to earth. I have shown less disrespect to people and every living organism in this world. However, this emptiness of mine can be compared to a termite that is slowly destroying me inside.

My family loves me, and I can attest for that. They had given me all the support that I need. They had encouraged me to achieve the greatest goal in one’s life, that is to finish college and be successful in life. I had those commitment at educational institution, but in my life, I never had any commitment. I am impulsive and indecisive in some decisions that that I make in my life. I think quickly and find a solution for a problem quickly. There is no waiting for me in my life. But when I met someone through an online chat called MIRc back in May 2004 in the Philippines, my commitment in life has changed. But I was the one who were so impulsive to be in a relationship although we had not met. That was how eager I am to get what I want. At first, the guy does not want me, maybe I am too pushy for him. We went out for a date and after that everything went well. It was 14^th of November 2014 that our relationship had begun. He was my everything, my world, I forgot about myself. All I can feel was happiness, like never ending. A world that had no hatred and emptiness. My parents never knew that I am in a relationship with him, as I am a guy too. I had introduced him to my parents as my friend. He had been my shoulder to cry on, until now I can see his face how well he had supported me especially when the time my father passed away in 2007. I can fully see him as I am writing this story. I can see him, sitting on a pew, wearing his white nursing uniform because he just came from a night shift. I really appreciated that moment, I felt safe and secure with him. Until now, we are still together, but I have changed, he has not changed. I need to change, as I do not have worth in this world. I started cheated on him even before our relationship became stronger, and before we had commitment to each other. I was randomly dating anyone back in 2004. These cheating issues has been going on until now, he knew that I was and am cheating on him. He had forgiven me but has not forget. Sometimes, we will be just looking at each other when we hear cheating issues and I will be smiled back into him. He understood my imperfections out of his never-ending concern to me. However, there is no more love and I can feel it. We are just together because of companion as he is in his mid 40s and I am in my late 30s. I have not seen that spark, there is a feeling of concern, but not as intense as it was before. I cheated on him multiple times and I know that he was fully aware of those instances that I lied to him. I am thinking that If he had saved enough money for himself and his family, he could have already left me for good. Maybe for now he just needed me for our security, both financially and socially. But honestly, I cannot imagine a day without him, as he is already part of me. I told him once that I felt sad most of the time and I want to kill myself, he hugged me. I missed those days, but not anymore. He does not even know how sad I am behind of my happy faces and cute smile. I smile so perfectly, that you might have think that I am the luckiest person in this world and the nicest person in this world. But that is a lie, I do not feel happy and If I do, it will be for a very split minute. Right now, I am thinking of ways on how to kill myself. There are no reasons for me to live, I just live to work and spend money. I am nothing, I am a cheater, I am nobody, I am no one. I will keep writing this story of my life until you find that I am not writing anymore. It could be that I have successfully killed myself or the nature itself has taken my life and I died from a disease, from a natural disaster or vanished.

It was around 0200 of 17^th of November 2019, when my long-time partner whom I cheated a day after our anniversary sneaked out of our rented unit. I quietly followed him after 5 minutes thinking that he might be in our garage and meeting someone. But her was not there. I have a feeling that he met someone as his revenge to what I have done before, which I fully understood. I tried to go back to sleep but I can’t, and then I remembered that nowadays you can easily locate people using their phone or account. I had multiple attempts of locating him, but I was so unsuccessful not until after 30 minutes that I managed to figure out on how to track him using my google account. To my surprise, I did track him, close to the place where I met the other guy two days ago. I am not sure if it was a coincidence that he has gone to that place and met someone. I tracked him and he knew that I did tracked him since google find will send a notification to his phone. Then I have decided to go to our room and sleep in our room instead of sleeping in our lounge room. While I was fixing myself in our bed, I saw him coming in after almost an hour from the place where he came from. No signs of remorse, no regret on his face. I just ignored him, as this can be the only way for him to feel that he had given me back a sweet revenge. However, from that time on, I felt that this 15-year relationship will be ending so soon.

I woke up around 1300 on that same day, hugged him and wanting to talk about having an open relationship. But he ignored me and instead he posted his feelings in his Facebook account. He is like that; he loves expressing his emotions and thoughts in social media. I was thinking to like it, but then I have realised that I am an adult person, and I do not need to feed into this type of drama. I want our drama to be private and if we are living apart, I want it to be civil and with minor heartaches.  I am not thinking of killing myself today. I just do not feel anything today. I do not have any emotions to show. My mum is talking to me as I a typing right now, but I did not response back. I just want to be alone. If I am still young, I want to go somewhere away from humans and to be just with nature.

I went to our room, I hugged him and I have asked him to talk. He was not listening, if he was, he was not paying attention. I do not blame him for that as he hated me so much that all the loved that we had and memories had been erased from him. I tried to settle our financial status, I told him that I cannot pay for the car alone and that he would give me another two years and we can live in the same unit but separate room. He told me that he already booked for an inspection and he told me that I can afford to pay for our car loan. I stopped, I have nothing to say. I felt so embarrassed talking to him. I went back to our lounge room where my mum was watching a movie in his Netflix account. He sent me a message arranging everything and how he was thankful for the 15 years of us together. I sent him back a message and apologised for wasting the entire 15 years with me, where he could have found someone better than me and treated him well. After that I did not received any messaged, it stopped there. I went to our room again and sat on our bed and hugged him. I asked him if he really wanted to end our relationship and without any hesitation he said yes in a very low voice. I have nothing to say. I hugged him hard that it would be my last hug for him. I know once we separate our pathways this will never happen again. But it was my fault and I blame myself for this. This is the time that I have realised he was the one who had stopped me from thinking of killing myself for 15 years. But now, it is back and it is haunting me. 

Just now as of 2210 of 17^th November, I was staring on my hand and looking at my pulse. I already know how to cut my hand without any pain. I saw a pair of scissors hanging close to the mirror in our bathroom, but I did not touch it. I have decided to sit on the ground and turned on the shower and let the water run on the ground. My tears were touching on my cheek and I told myself that before I kill myself, I need to fix my family’s life. I gave myself 2 years and 2 months to prepare, by that time I have settled everything.

HIV testing is private, free and easy

Great news for every individual who would like to have privacy with their HIV testing.
There is a test kit for every person who desire to undergo a self prick HIV test.
This is free and you will not need to pay any single penny.
But you need to be brave enough to prick yourself.
You can find this information on the link below:
https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/endinghiv/Pages/HIV-testing.aspx

This is sponsored by NSW health and it is reaching out every person that are active with sex to be more vigilant of their HIV tests.

SharesXpert A Helping Hand to Success

Nowadays, people all over the world is interested on how to earn a big profit, and this paves the way to a global increase of the number of stock traders or investors in the financial market either to buy or to sell stocks. SharesXpert is a product that can help all types of investors, either amateur or professional investors.

It is known to all businesspeople that trading stocks is a dangerous and multifaceted business due to the fluctuating demands of the marketplaces and mostly changeable and with the absence of transparency. However, this does not prevent people from engaging in this type of transactions, especially there is a new innovative way to an easy stock exchange system that will guarantee a definite success.

The desire of every individual to participate in the trading market has given birth to the creation of SharesXpert. SharesXpert is a German designed trend using Algorithm. For beginners or neophytes, who have limited or no knowledge about the meaning and use of algorithm. Algorithm is dealing with calculations, automated reasoning and data processing, which is a simple method for calculations.

This is to meet all the challenges of all the investors, particularly incompetent traders or amateur investors have varying entry and exit schemes that are typically founded on different approaches which could be from rumors to principles and procedural analysis. According to Fabian Lim, an internet salesperson and investor in Singapore, those amateurs are regularly altering their techniques and failed to have a uniform resolution to identify an entry or exit point. Regrettably the typical investor does not know how to identify the real scenario in the market.

That is why Fabian Lim introduces the SharesXpert which is according to him this product is neither an automatic trading program nor android. It requires human involvement where people is needed to key in all the information in the trade by hand or manually. Although users are required manually to input some of the details it still tails a distinct designed which are the usual instructions to create reliability in trading for entries, exits, and prevent losses. It is important for the users to abide with the instructions, built on best drills to acquire steady earnings.

SharesXpert is certainly the finest stock analysis system for people that have full of activities in their life with hectic schedule every day, and find it hard to get a break for a minute. The product is easy to use and amateur traders can enjoy using this.

The product was established on philosophies of investing, however it is extremely refined over the conventional price break out systems. At the same time SharesXpert are invented towards recognizing the previous movement creations in the market.

Overall, the leading benefit of ShakesXpert is that investor can recognize first trend development using algorithms, which is a great advantage for traders since they can identify correctly the primary entries and best exit. This computer program is incorporated with algorithm that is visible to the computer screen and takes stocks faster than a human. Moreover, it has the capacity to probe the whole market especially in Kuala Lumpur Stock Exchange of nearly 900 shares in just a few seconds.

Requirements for the Aviation Career

Many people are always wondering how long it takes to become a pilot.  To be admitted for the United States Private Pilot licensure examination, the applicant should not be already 18 years old in order to qualify and take the licensure examination. Some institution does not require particular age requirement to join in either full time or part time course, at the same time all ages are accepted in the programs provided they are physically fit.

Some of the prerequisites for the program to be accepted in the course especially for the future students is that they can properly communicate in English and they are competent enough to perform during the entire course and even after they finished the program. Furthermore, each student should succeed in the medical exam and there are some accredited agencies that are honoured by the United States aviation academy. At the same time they have to go through a criminal background check.  For any interested overseas students, there is some additional requirement that is required by some institution like a student should have completed their high school diploma or which is equivalent. Financial status is also very important where, students should show the United States Embassy  that they have enough fund that could support all their expenses while studying outside their home country.

There are aviation schools that also offers part time course like that in Florida, where they can starts attending the program as soon as possible while for full time course, for the locals the class will commence 30 days after they are enrolled and 60 days for overseas student after completing all the school requirements like that of TSA and have a valid visa to study in United States of America.

Any person can apply to this course, either by going to the aviation school or requesting for a form online and fill in all the required details and send it back to the school. After the admission officer received and reviewed all the relevant information, successful students will receive a letter of offer together with school contract.

Furthermore, all future applicants coming from countries that English is not their medium of instruction must pass the accredited English test like TOEFL or any type of English proficiency test that is honoured by the academy and student should be aware that they will be assessed on their English proficiency. The minimum score required to be enrolled in the program should not be less than 550. A copy of test report form should be sent directly to various aviation academies.

The job prospects in aviation are considerably good due to the services provided by them. An aviation officer average annual salary ranges from $58,400 to $80,000. How to become certified aviation personnel is nothing to be worried of, as one can undergo the training and become a licensed officer.

Use moneybookers now instead of paypal. To register just simply click the logo .

Korean Samgyetang

Samgyetang (삼계탕,参鸡汤)or Poultry Ginseng Soups known as in language, it is a soup based food. Typically, it is functioned during summer time months because its vitamins which can boost our balanced during a hot summer time in which we can be easily missing energy through increased sweating.

Oringianlly this Samgyetang is a soup from the region of Cheju, and the most particular thing is ginseng actual is baked and consumed like a organic with the chicken. The Samgyetang is baked in a diamond pot and functioned while still boilling. It is thought to be to be a summer time food in dining places and households.The dry red times gives a different sweet flavor to the chicken, grain and ginseng.

Usually, the whole chicken is boiled with Japanese Ginseng, dry red times, beans, cinnamon and glutinous grain. Ginseng, or “insam(인삼)” as it is also known as in The philipines, delivers a a little nasty flavor. Its qualities are said to be building up and bring about restoration to our body.

Recipe Ingredients

• 4 small chickens, one for each serving
• 4 fresh ginseng roots
• 2 cups glutinous rice
• 8 cloves garlic
• 8 chestnuts
• 8 dried red dates
• salt, to taste
• black pepper, to taste
• spring onion chopped in 4cm long

Cooking Directions

1. Cut the chicken's belly lengthwise. Remove organs, head and feet -- wing tips and neck optional, but leave the body whole.
2. Clean chicken thoroughly and sprinkle with salt. Wash the glutinous rice, ginseng and jujubes, and remove the skin from the garlic cloves and chestnuts. Slice or leave ginseng, according to taste.
3. Rinse chicken and stuff each chicken's body cavity with ginseng, rice, and garlic.
4. Sew the body cavity shut.
5. Put stuffed chickens in a covered pot with 15 cups of water and bring to a boil. Lower heat and add jujubes and chestnuts.
6. Simmer until chicken is thoroughly stewed.
7. Serve unseasoned; diner usually adds salt and black pepper to taste, but some cooks add salt immediately before serving.
8. Top spring onion before serving.
   

Phenomenal Breakthrough of Suspension Gel Worldwide

Majority of the populations are unsure whether the nutrients that eat or drink will protects them against any types of diseases. Everybody wants to keep a healthy lifestyle. By aiming to leave a good healthy life, several individuals are taking pills and herbal juices. However suspension gel is very unique from other types of supplement.

Furthermore, the availability of foods in this modern world can be found anywhere, but nutrient deficiency exists. This is due to the fact the normal food contains excess of treated food as a replacement that is why people are not having all the important nutrition in their bodies that are required to a fit and healthy person.

At the same time, any individual can purchase an over the counter drugs such as pill or capsule as an additional supplement like nutrients, antioxidants and vitamins.  Regrettably these medicines hold artificial nutrients, and consequently, the body system has some difficulty in breaking them into nutrients, that is the result of nutritional imbalances.

For the nutrients to work properly there are three important aspects that need to be considered that can result to an effective nutritional supplement. The first aspect is that it should be correctly timed ingestion. Secondly is accurate amounts of dietary component and lastly, great bioavailability of the food. And this is where the Suspension gel technology comes in. It achieves these three aspects, since the gels are handy and with controlled levels of food nutrients that are valuable in the absorption and consumption of every nutrient.

This is an additional creation that talks all about a suspension gel. That has the aspects to cater all the needs and rapid absorption of nutrients in the human body. This is a form a veganism which is good for everyone and especially for the vegetarian and vegans. It has a jelly likes fluid that permits simple nutrients that are water soluble. This means that when this chemical float it will be melted and suspended which become more movable, easy to digest with exact dosage and freely absorbed by the human body system.

Aside from the benefit that the suspension gel has a portable characteristic, it is also easier to digest. No one can ignores the fact that swallowing pills are really difficult. There is always a thinking that the tablet is stuck inside the throat and this happens to all ages either young or old. While the liquid form of medications mostly unpalatable. However, this gel is palatable and easier to swallow. It prevents people from getting choke, after taste and requires not water, but it has the complete nutrition that everyone needs.

Generally, every contents suspended in gel is composed of nutrient that have various and exact procedures for absorption especially in gastrointestinal system. Since the absorption takes place in the small intestine and by suspending chemical in a gel, it becomes absorbable in the intestine.

So it is time to use the modern way of nourishing the body with enough nutrients. Forget about the conventional way of taking supplements in a form of capsule, pills, juice and powders.

Stress test Online

I felt that i was suffering from a stress recently, and so I decided to check online if I am really suffering stress (anxiety) or depression. Upon finishing the online stress test, I was able to found out that I am suffering an anxiety and you can find the result below. You can also try it yourself by going to the website http://www.ipn.at/ipn.asp?BHK.

Mainmenu > The PcE-Trainer > Application > Joy of Life instead Depressions Stress Type Test (Online-Test)discover if you suffer from depressions or anxieties Stess Type Dominance Graphic: 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 sympathetic para- sympathetic You are a person with a sympathetic nervous system. This means that stress causes you to react with extreme excitement: The blood vessels constrict The pulse is too fast  The muscles tense up The glands get more activated Stress hormones are released (adrenalin rush) You could easily get anxiety attacks, not depressions. Below is from a different stress test online, which I took after the latter. You can also try this on the website http://stresstest.net/. Overall Score This score is a measure of overall emotional well-being. Your score is 3.67 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted. Your score indicates that you are similar to people who report that they have benefited from short-term counseling with a professional counselor.  People who are severely stressed and may benefit from intesive help (average = 2.99)  People who report receiving benefit from outpatient counseling (average = 3.19)  People who report receiving benefit from short-term counseling from a professional counselor (average = 3.65)  People who are functioning well and don't feel they need professional counseling (average = 4.17) Quality of Life Score This is a measure of how happy or satisfied you are with your life, including overall self-esteem, health, friends and family, and work or school. Your score is 3.9 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.  People who are severely stressed and may benefit from intesive help (average = 2.92)  People who report receiving benefit from outpatient counseling (average = 2.98)  People who report receiving benefit from short-term counseling from a professional counselor (average = 3.52)  People who are functioning well and don't feel they need professional counseling (average = 3.93) Symptom Distress Score This score measures your symptoms of depression, anxiety, and hostility. Your score is 2.78 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.  People who are severely stressed and may benefit from intesive help (average = 2.75)  People who report receiving benefit from outpatient counseling (average = 3.04)  People who report receiving benefit from short-term counseling from a professional counselor (average = 3.50)  People who are functioning well and don't feel they need professional counseling (average = 4.24) Level of Functioning Score This is a measure of how well you are able to get along in the community. Your score is 4.38 on a range of 1 to 5. A higher score indicates that you are more well-adjusted.  People who are severely stressed and may benefit from intesive help (average = 3.32)  People who report receiving benefit from outpatient counseling (average = 3.61)  People who report receiving benefit from short-term counseling from a professional counselor (average = 3.99)  People who are functioning well and don't feel they need professional counseling (average = 4.32)