When Grindr Becomes the Third Wheel: How It Can Ruin an Open Relationship

 When Grindr Becomes the Third Wheel: How It Can Ruin an Open Relationship

Open relationships can thrive on trust, communication, and clear boundaries—but apps like Grindr can sometimes throw a wrench into even the strongest of connections. While Grindr is a popular tool for gay men to explore casual encounters, its fast-paced, impulsive nature can clash with the delicate balance of an open relationship.

One of the biggest risks is boundary-blurring. In many open relationships, partners agree on specific rules—such as no repeated meetups, no emotional attachments, or always disclosing encounters. But Grindr’s immediacy can lead to spontaneous decisions, sometimes breaking those agreements in the heat of the moment.  

Emotional disconnect is another common issue. When one partner starts spending more time chatting with strangers than engaging with their primary partner, it can foster feelings of neglect, jealousy, and resentment. Even if the relationship is sexually open, emotional intimacy still needs to be preserved.

Then there’s secrecy—if one partner starts hiding chats or meetups, trust erodes quickly. What started as a shared adventure can spiral into suspicion and hurt.

Grindr itself isn’t the villain—it's a tool. But without mutual respect and honest communication, it can easily become the third party that pulls two people apart.

Open doesn’t mean careless. Stay mindful, stay honest.

Swipe Smart: Grindr in Australia and Dating Alternatives for Gay Men (18–50)

 Grindr has become a household name in the gay dating scene across Australia. For gay, bi, trans, and queer men aged 18 to 50, it’s often the go-to app for quick connections, chats, or casual meetups. With its GPS-based technology, Grindr makes it easy to find nearby users, which is particularly convenient in urban centres like Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane. The app is fast, visual, and user-friendly, catering well to younger users and those seeking instant interactions.

However, Grindr has also been criticised for fostering a hookup culture that some users, especially those seeking long-term relationships, may find emotionally unfulfilling. The app’s focus on photos and proximity sometimes encourages superficial interactions, and experiences can vary based on location and age. For men in their 30s to 50s, it can feel like the app leans heavily toward younger crowds, leading some to look elsewhere for meaningful connections.

Alternatives for Serious Gay Relationships in Australia

For gay men seeking more than just a quick chat or casual encounter, there are solid alternatives:

• eHarmony: Known for its detailed matching system, eHarmony now caters to same-sex relationships. It’s ideal for men looking for compatibility-based, long-term partnerships.

• OkCupid: With inclusive gender and orientation options and in-depth personality questions, OkCupid strikes a balance between casual and serious dating.

• Hinge: Designed to be deleted, Hinge is a mobile-first dating app focusing on thoughtful prompts and relationship-minded users. Many gay men appreciate its friendly, low-pressure environment.

• Zoe or Lex (for more niche interests): Though less popular, these platforms foster deeper connections for LGBTQ+ users interested in emotional compatibility.

Navigating the Dating Landscape

While Grindr remains dominant in Australia for younger gay men and casual dating, the growing desire for meaningful relationships has led many to explore other platforms. The key to a positive experience is knowing what you want and choosing a platform that aligns with your goals. Whether you’re fresh out of the closet at 18, or rediscovering dating at 45, there’s a space for everyone.

Staying safe, respectful, and authentic—whether on Grindr or a dating site like eHarmony—is crucial. Remember to set clear boundaries, communicate openly, and look after your mental health throughout your dating journey.

In the end, dating as a gay man in Australia can be as exciting as it is complex. With the right app and the right mindset, finding a genuine connection is more possible than ever.

What to say regarding with friend with benefit as a gay man

 
a gay man, having a friend with benefits can offer a sense of comfort, sexual satisfaction, and companionship without the emotional complexities of a romantic relationship. It’s especially appealing when dating feels exhausting or when you're not ready for commitment. Being with someone you trust can make the experience feel safe and fun. However, it’s not without its downsides. Feelings can develop, often unevenly, leading to confusion or hurt. Boundaries can blur, especially if one person hopes for more while the other doesn't. Jealousy may arise, and the friendship might suffer if things go wrong. Open and honest communication is key—discuss expectations, safe sex practices, and what happens if feelings change. Friends with benefits can work, but only if both parties stay emotionally aware and respectful. Every connection is different, so it’s important to check in with yourself and your friend to make sure it’s still a healthy arrangement.

The bad effects of having a friends-with-benefits (FWB)

 

Emotional confusion – One person might develop romantic feelings while the other doesn’t, which can lead to heartache or disappointment.

Jealousy – Even without a committed relationship, jealousy can creep in if your FWB starts seeing someone else or becomes emotionally distant.

Loss of friendship – If things go wrong, the friendship might not survive. Sex can complicate the dynamics and make it hard to return to "just friends."

Lack of emotional support – FWBs may not provide the deep emotional intimacy or security that comes with a romantic relationship.

Risk of STIs – If either partner is seeing others and there’s no open communication about it, sexual health risks can increase.

Unclear boundaries – Without clear rules, miscommunication and unmet expectations can lead to stress or drama.

Know Your Worth: Why Gay Men Over 30 Should Skip the Friends-With-Benefits Trap

As a financially stable gay man in your 30s or 40s, you’ve likely worked hard to build the life you have—career, independence, maybe even property or travel goals. You know what you want, and more importantly, what you don’t. That’s why falling into a friends-with-benefits (FWB) setup might feel easy—but can be emotionally costly in the long run.

FWB situations are often marketed as fun, low-pressure, and drama-free. And sure, for some, they are. But for many gay men in their 30s and 40s—especially those who crave deeper emotional connection, stability, and shared growth—FWB can actually leave you feeling more empty than fulfilled.

At this stage in life, you likely value emotional depth over fleeting pleasure. Casual arrangements can blur emotional lines quickly, especially when physical intimacy is involved. You may start catching feelings while the other person remains emotionally unavailable. This imbalance can stir up frustration, insecurity, and even resentment.

Another issue? Time and energy investment. You’re no longer 22 with endless hours to kill. You value your time, and you want to invest it in people who see your worth, not just your body. FWBs often lack consistency, communication, and mutual effort. You deserve better than vague texts and last-minute meetups.

Then there’s the matter of self-respect and boundaries. When you're financially stable and emotionally aware, it’s important to surround yourself with people who match that level of maturity. Being someone’s part-time lover while they “figure things out” can be insulting to your growth and emotional availability.

Let’s not forget the impact on dating seriously. If you're open to real love, FWB situations can actually delay that goal. They offer just enough companionship to feel like something, but not enough to build a future. Worse, they might make you question if real connection is even out there.

Instead, focus on meaningful interactions. Seek people who align with your values—those who are emotionally ready, communicative, and relationship-minded. Join interest-based communities, attend LGBTQ+ networking events, or try apps like Hinge or OkCupid, which attract more mature users looking for long-term commitment.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with craving physical intimacy. But as a mature, stable gay man, you owe it to yourself to align your romantic life with your self-worth. Casual may be common—but meaningful is rare and worth waiting for.

Skip the situationships. You’re not an option—you’re a priority.

Friends with Benefits: Pros and Cons for Gay Men

A friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangement can be appealing for gay men seeking connection without commitment. The pros include sexual satisfaction without the pressures of a romantic relationship, emotional comfort from a trusted friend, and the freedom to explore desires. It can also be a way to navigate dating fatigue or prioritise career or personal goals.

However, the cons are worth noting. Feelings may develop unevenly, leading to confusion or heartache. Jealousy can surface, especially if one partner starts dating others. Clear communication is essential to avoid misunderstandings and protect emotional well-being. Also, STIs remain a risk, so practicing safe sex is crucial.

FWB arrangements work best when both parties are honest, emotionally aware, and set clear boundaries.

For more insights, check out this article from Healthline:
https://www.healthline.com/health/friends-with-benefits

Before it all happens

This will be my online journal. I will be writing my everyday experiences and feelings everyday, even when I am at home or at work. I started writing this frustrations and thoughts of my on the 16^th of November 2019 and I have been thinking of ways to kill myself, but I do not have the guts to pursue my desire to end my life. Since when I was young and learnt the ABCs in my life at home and school, I had this feeling that I do not belong to this world. A feeling that there is no reason for me to be here. A feeling of burden. I am Jacky, I was born in the Philippine on 26^th of January 1982 and now I live in Australia. I have a twin brother, a big brother and a sister. They all have families and I am the only one who does not have any kid or a so-called wife. I will tell you the reason somewhere in this story of my life.

I have always remembered since when I was child that I always question and asked God why I was born. What is the reason for me to be brought into this world? Those questions had been answered according to the way the society would like it to happen. The reason to grow, finish school, work, have family and make everyone happy until you have achieved your purpose in this world. But I felt like I am different, I had been hurting myself secretly just to inflict any pain to myself. I was already emotionally unstable since when I was a child. No one would know, no one could have cared and that was what I had felt. As I grow older and had been exposed to the reality of the world, the more thoughts of ending my life had been playing in my mind. But there is always something that hindered me from doing what I should have done. A fear of pain, a fear of prolonged pain before I loss of consciousness. That was the one that was only stopping me from doing it. I did try to end myself and it was only an attempt. I was less than an inch closed to my heart, when a sharp knife had almost touched my left chest. But I was scared and think about the shame it would bring to my family. But, how did all this feeling of not belonging to the world started.

The answer is, I have no idea. I just felt that I had this empty heart and always incomplete, unsatisfied. I tried everything to hide this emptiness in my life. I did academically excel at school. Looked so happy all the time and down to earth. I have shown less disrespect to people and every living organism in this world. However, this emptiness of mine can be compared to a termite that is slowly destroying me inside.

My family loves me, and I can attest for that. They had given me all the support that I need. They had encouraged me to achieve the greatest goal in one’s life, that is to finish college and be successful in life. I had those commitment at educational institution, but in my life, I never had any commitment. I am impulsive and indecisive in some decisions that that I make in my life. I think quickly and find a solution for a problem quickly. There is no waiting for me in my life. But when I met someone through an online chat called MIRc back in May 2004 in the Philippines, my commitment in life has changed. But I was the one who were so impulsive to be in a relationship although we had not met. That was how eager I am to get what I want. At first, the guy does not want me, maybe I am too pushy for him. We went out for a date and after that everything went well. It was 14^th of November 2014 that our relationship had begun. He was my everything, my world, I forgot about myself. All I can feel was happiness, like never ending. A world that had no hatred and emptiness. My parents never knew that I am in a relationship with him, as I am a guy too. I had introduced him to my parents as my friend. He had been my shoulder to cry on, until now I can see his face how well he had supported me especially when the time my father passed away in 2007. I can fully see him as I am writing this story. I can see him, sitting on a pew, wearing his white nursing uniform because he just came from a night shift. I really appreciated that moment, I felt safe and secure with him. Until now, we are still together, but I have changed, he has not changed. I need to change, as I do not have worth in this world. I started cheated on him even before our relationship became stronger, and before we had commitment to each other. I was randomly dating anyone back in 2004. These cheating issues has been going on until now, he knew that I was and am cheating on him. He had forgiven me but has not forget. Sometimes, we will be just looking at each other when we hear cheating issues and I will be smiled back into him. He understood my imperfections out of his never-ending concern to me. However, there is no more love and I can feel it. We are just together because of companion as he is in his mid 40s and I am in my late 30s. I have not seen that spark, there is a feeling of concern, but not as intense as it was before. I cheated on him multiple times and I know that he was fully aware of those instances that I lied to him. I am thinking that If he had saved enough money for himself and his family, he could have already left me for good. Maybe for now he just needed me for our security, both financially and socially. But honestly, I cannot imagine a day without him, as he is already part of me. I told him once that I felt sad most of the time and I want to kill myself, he hugged me. I missed those days, but not anymore. He does not even know how sad I am behind of my happy faces and cute smile. I smile so perfectly, that you might have think that I am the luckiest person in this world and the nicest person in this world. But that is a lie, I do not feel happy and If I do, it will be for a very split minute. Right now, I am thinking of ways on how to kill myself. There are no reasons for me to live, I just live to work and spend money. I am nothing, I am a cheater, I am nobody, I am no one. I will keep writing this story of my life until you find that I am not writing anymore. It could be that I have successfully killed myself or the nature itself has taken my life and I died from a disease, from a natural disaster or vanished.

It was around 0200 of 17^th of November 2019, when my long-time partner whom I cheated a day after our anniversary sneaked out of our rented unit. I quietly followed him after 5 minutes thinking that he might be in our garage and meeting someone. But her was not there. I have a feeling that he met someone as his revenge to what I have done before, which I fully understood. I tried to go back to sleep but I can’t, and then I remembered that nowadays you can easily locate people using their phone or account. I had multiple attempts of locating him, but I was so unsuccessful not until after 30 minutes that I managed to figure out on how to track him using my google account. To my surprise, I did track him, close to the place where I met the other guy two days ago. I am not sure if it was a coincidence that he has gone to that place and met someone. I tracked him and he knew that I did tracked him since google find will send a notification to his phone. Then I have decided to go to our room and sleep in our room instead of sleeping in our lounge room. While I was fixing myself in our bed, I saw him coming in after almost an hour from the place where he came from. No signs of remorse, no regret on his face. I just ignored him, as this can be the only way for him to feel that he had given me back a sweet revenge. However, from that time on, I felt that this 15-year relationship will be ending so soon.

I woke up around 1300 on that same day, hugged him and wanting to talk about having an open relationship. But he ignored me and instead he posted his feelings in his Facebook account. He is like that; he loves expressing his emotions and thoughts in social media. I was thinking to like it, but then I have realised that I am an adult person, and I do not need to feed into this type of drama. I want our drama to be private and if we are living apart, I want it to be civil and with minor heartaches.  I am not thinking of killing myself today. I just do not feel anything today. I do not have any emotions to show. My mum is talking to me as I a typing right now, but I did not response back. I just want to be alone. If I am still young, I want to go somewhere away from humans and to be just with nature.

I went to our room, I hugged him and I have asked him to talk. He was not listening, if he was, he was not paying attention. I do not blame him for that as he hated me so much that all the loved that we had and memories had been erased from him. I tried to settle our financial status, I told him that I cannot pay for the car alone and that he would give me another two years and we can live in the same unit but separate room. He told me that he already booked for an inspection and he told me that I can afford to pay for our car loan. I stopped, I have nothing to say. I felt so embarrassed talking to him. I went back to our lounge room where my mum was watching a movie in his Netflix account. He sent me a message arranging everything and how he was thankful for the 15 years of us together. I sent him back a message and apologised for wasting the entire 15 years with me, where he could have found someone better than me and treated him well. After that I did not received any messaged, it stopped there. I went to our room again and sat on our bed and hugged him. I asked him if he really wanted to end our relationship and without any hesitation he said yes in a very low voice. I have nothing to say. I hugged him hard that it would be my last hug for him. I know once we separate our pathways this will never happen again. But it was my fault and I blame myself for this. This is the time that I have realised he was the one who had stopped me from thinking of killing myself for 15 years. But now, it is back and it is haunting me. 

Just now as of 2210 of 17^th November, I was staring on my hand and looking at my pulse. I already know how to cut my hand without any pain. I saw a pair of scissors hanging close to the mirror in our bathroom, but I did not touch it. I have decided to sit on the ground and turned on the shower and let the water run on the ground. My tears were touching on my cheek and I told myself that before I kill myself, I need to fix my family’s life. I gave myself 2 years and 2 months to prepare, by that time I have settled everything.